Sitting before the warmth of my white stone hearth, bright flames beckoning the imagination,writing the words to  this adventure and enjoying the peace of a home SO full of love, laughter, and life, it’s hard to believe what I once thought every day: Life is too hard.

Pain can either destroy you or transform you

I had pain. Every day. How many times did I wake up with new tears on my white, down pillow, because my delightful dreams, into which I escaped each dark, sad, night…..better than the misfortune of my unhappy existence. I wanted to stay asleep, to continue the dream of that lanky, kind man with  wispy, soft blonde curls who adored me, where I was a sought after woman of confidence and joy, and where nothing ever went wrong. But, no,I had to wake up and face the ugly reality that I had to go into another day of depression, failure, and fear.Some days I couldn’t. 

There were times I wanted to call it quits, and I mean

permanently. I planned my final demise, in ways that would be as painless as possible, and thought, “They’ll be sorry then!! Not exactly the best plan for living(or dying)…. but I was out of ideas by now.

An old blues singer once wrote, “The trouble with living, is it is such a daily thing.”

The crux of the problem.

 

I found planning to die easier than planning to live! I thought I was successful, after all, I had good friends, an endearing  family that loved me, an interesting job and budding career, all that should count form something, right?

 

Wrong.

When I looked in the mirror, I saw emptiness and despair staring back. Nothing on the inside. 

No reason to live.

I didn’t know who I was. So I became who you wanted me to be instead. Having no purpose of my own, I became an extension of others’ purposes. Pleasing you (which ever you I choose at the time) became my purpose.

If you had a political cause, I had a political cause. If you needed companionship or love, I was that companionship and love. If you were religious, I was religious. I church hopped and bar hopped at the same time, seeking comfort with lower or lesser companions, still searching for something to fill the heavy emptiness I carried around like a used suitcase, and running from the despair that dogged my footsteps along the way.

Water seeks its own level.

I would never find happiness, because happiness isn’t a commodity.

Happiness is an inside job.As long as I was sick with depression, hopelessness, fear, obsession, I would only bring to me the people and circumstances that thrived on these things. Emotional vampires sucked the life out of me, and I let them. Perpetrators, abusers,those who sought out women with a victim nature. I over qualified.

I went through many unhappy experiences with other unhappy people, until the day finally arrived that I was done.

By now, I had a few tools. I had learned to pray, and begun a simple relationship with my Creator. I learned to examine myself, and look for things that would block me from walking a higher path. “What are you afraid of, Norma?” A friend with often ask. I found that the real enemy was not people who victimized me, but my own fear, and how it manifested. I began to ask for help, and help arrived, in the form of a thought quite uncommon to me.

Give up. It said. Give up your idea of who you are, for who the Universe is calling you to be. Give-up finding happiness in a man, in a candy bar, in a shopping trip, in anything outside of you. Find that inner compass that will lead you to Mr. Right, if it’s meant to be.

I remember the day I gave this up  to God. I said, “God, if there is a man that’s meant to be mine, you will have to land him in my lap. I am going to stop looking for a husband, and I am only going to look for your will. Take me through hell, if thats what it takes, to equip me to be a partner to a more spiritual soul who is kind, faithful,and dependable. Or give me the ability to live life peacefully, happily, on my own.”

I surrendered.

At that point, I stopped looking for love in all the wrong places. A amazing thing happened. I began t grow in dignity and integrity. I began to seek spiritual love over human love. I began to value friendships of both men and women. I began to grow on a deeper level than t I had never known, and I began to heal.

The rest is history.A heroic man once said,”Success is not final, failure is not fatal, it is the courage to continue that counts.How true.

So-I challenge you. Face the fear. Decide if you are who you want to be. If not, what will it take for you to admit you are powerless over the current circumstances of your life. What and who do you want to be?? What has to change for that to come about. Appeal to your Creator and ask to be led down the path that will lead to the new land of enlightenment.

Life is not hard. Life just is.

It’s your choice.

A friend told me one day, “There are two windows we can look out of each day.  The window of Fear, or the window of faith”. Do you believe you can be more than you are? Find out.

Here’s a proposition. Write a letter. Include your dreams, your fears, where you need guidance. Admit the things you have no power over, but admit you need help getting to a better place.

Open the doors of surrender, acceptance, powerlessness, and faith. 

Take a leap, and move in the direction of your dreams.